front page – Janet Foggie

The Power of an Anniversary

Red rowan berries hanging in a cluster from the plant. The leaves of the tree are green behind them.

For me August is a time of passing anniversaries. It is the month when berries ripen, and the vegetable garden bears its best produce. The berries of the rowan feed the birds, and also plant new trees, bringing new life into the world. The further I move from the bereavements themselves, the more this is a time to consider the fruit, or legacy I was left by the ones I have loved and lost. It is a month when I can think upon them as a part of my ongoing life. There was a time when the anniversary was a raw and hard event, a turning of a year, two years, which seemed to make the separation more real, more permanent, and perhaps, harder to accept.

Like the bramble, or blackberry, the plant has the fruit which are the sweetness of happy memories also has the thorns of the pain of remembrance and loss. It’s still the same plant that carries both, and sometimes the fruit is unripe and bitter, at others it is full and sweet. Perhaps, when we grieve, all these feelings are mixed together.

Brambles - or blackberries, in a cluster of ripe and unrip fruit amongst their leaves and thorns.

I wonder if there is a month which holds special anniversaries for you? And how you might mark that event. Do you get together with friends or family? Cook a dish your loved one enjoyed or set aside some time to commemorate them or celebrate their legacy to you. There’s no rules on how to mourn, no set pattern or blueprint to follow, but the anniversary may be a prompt to you to think on your bereavement journey in a new way, or to consider that loss in a new light. Whether it is 50 years since you lost that special person, or just one, the anniversary is a way of marking their passing in your own life, if you wish to do that, it is an opportunity, nothing more.

Having a service recorded

It is possible in many crematoriums today to have the funeral or commemorative service for your loved one recorded on the Obits system. Please ask your undertaker about this – especially if there are family abroad or unwell and unable to attend the service in person.

A service being broadcast may also be recorded and saved as a DVD or available to watch online usually for a month after it took place.

Losing a Loved One

There’s no words to fully express the emotions we feel when we lose a loved one. There are so many different ways a death affects us, whatever the circumstances of that loss. This is why no two grieving stories are the same and no two funerals should be the same. Key to my services is that they are bespoke. This is your opportunity to say goodbye to your loved one, and so the words I speak will come from my meeting with you.

Resources

Glorious sunset, red, gold and deep blue to purple — Winter Sunrise

There are many resources available to help us find the right things to say in a service of commemoration or memorial. I can write or use poetry, and prose. We can sing or listen to music. We can incorporate prayer or words to create a time of silent contemplation as you wish.

Arrangements

As well as my input, other voices may be helpful for you, a reading or eulogy by a friend, colleague, or family member. It is useful to remember that a service at a crematorium may be as little as 20 minutes long, depending upon your choice of service, so we need to plan carefully to fit that time if we are taking one service at the crematorium. It may be, if more than one person wishes to speak, that two services would be better for your circumstances, a more private committal or internment, followed by a memorial or celebration of the life of your loved one in another venue of your choice. Be guided by your undertaker in how to co-ordinate this, or if you are organising the memorial or celebration yourself please contact me to discuss fees and arrangements.

Mediation, Facilitation and Coaching

I have been working in facilitation for over 12 years and have a wide range of facilitation and mediation approaches. Whatever your organisation needs I have a creative, person-centred and fun-filled range of facilitation methods. I have a keen eye for detail and an appreciation that we all begin with Cecilia’s key statement :

‘I am different. You are different. We think differently’

[Dr Cecilia Clegg, mediator]

Facilitated meetings can often handle very difficult conversations well, areas where your charity or organisation might really need to talk things through, but a standard work-meeting isn’t hearing all the quieter voices. I can provide a framework to enable robust and honest conversation with integrity and inter-personal respect.

Ensuring everyone feels heard is fundamental to my approach which involves clarifying the details, and double-checking that the information gathered is representative of the voices present.

Sometimes working together in a non-work environment can create the space and freedom we need to discuss change or co-create change together. I can offer practical skills based facilitation either outdoors (community gardening or woodland walking) or using craft skills like sewing and paper craft.

Walking mindfully or walking and talking can be a great way to facilitate in-work thoughts and conversations in a non-work space. Facilitated by me, your charity or organisational walk and talk can bring real results to your organisations just from taking a fresh perspective.

For some charities or organisations walking and out door activities are not the best solution. A similar distraction but with focused conversation can be brought about by being creative together, through craft, sewing or up-cycling.

Note the pictures of faciliation were taken at the Nourish Conference. I am a trustee at Nourish and more information about their work can be found here: https://www.nourishscotland.org